I've been going through a super organization-craze at work lately. Couldn't figure out what lead me to start one project that then blossomed into a HUGE, ARE YOU CRAZY FOR EVER STARTING THIS project! I figure when it's finally done, at least life at work will be easier.
But on the drive home, I realized....ever since Hubby lost his job I've put EVERYTHING on hold at the house. I've quit making lists, quit organizing, quit planning for the next project and, at this point, almost quit hoping and dreaming...the reality is that nothing has been done (outside of the basics) since "that" day.
Apparently, my mind couldn't take this idleness anymore and decided to "nest" at work instead.
The reality is, at this point - despite my moaning about going, I'd much rather be at work (sans the people and the phones) than at home. It's easier. And if I could just get rid of the people and the phones, it would be quieter.
At work, there is no pressure. I know why I'm there and what I should be doing.
At home? Not so much. At home there are subtle pressures. Don't talk about this, tiptoe around that, is that REALLY a necessary purchase? Should we do this or that? Is it time for an oil change AGAIN? Do you think we could wait for a couple more thousand miles?
I know I shouldn't be complaining because there are folks in much more dire straits than we are; people who are dealing with losses much bigger.
But, as we ease into the fourteenth month of unemployment, despair is beginning to seep in - I'm finding it harder and harder to look for the silver lining. And then I think....if I'm feeling like this - what must HE be feeling?
And then, I start to notice that Man-Child is beginning to freak out over *every little thing* and my heart breaks. Because he shouldn't be having to worry about the things he is worrying about.
We've tried hard to walk a fine line - preaching economics while not worrying him - apparently, we failed.
According to all reports I've read - North Carolina is lagging when it comes to the "Recovery" (which is a joke - I've seen no signs of a REAL recovery) and that if we were to just up and move Hubby could find something "lickety-split" (yeah, right). The thing is, even IF he could find something somewhere else - would it be at a salary that would warrant me leaving my job? No. I am lucky. I know I am. I work for a great company with great benefits. To leave this job would be suicide. Can I find Hubby a job at my company? No. Against policy to have spouses working here - even if they are in two different locations that never coincide with one another.
Besides, Man-Child is starting his Senior year. Really? It would be HUGELY detrimental to pull him out of his school now.
So no, moving, at this point, is not an option.
The point of all this? There isn't one. I just needed an outlet. Usually, I try to stay away from the doom and gloom, but today? Today, I needed to vent.
And a ray of sunshine - if you have that, feel free to comment. I need something to brighten my day. As an alternative, if you happen to know the lottery numbers for tonight......feel free to share.
As a footnote - when I started this blog, it was an experiment. A way to just get all of "it" out of my system. As blogs will do, it found people. And as people came, I found that I began to censor myself even more than when I was starting out - even though this is an anonymous blog. Why? Because I began to get to know you all - I began to see the issues that some of you face - many of which are FAR bigger than mine. And then? Then, I began to feel selfish if I whined or complained too much. So, for tonight, let me whine and complain. No comments are necessary. I know that for the majority of you, your thoughts and prayers are with us - I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out somehow....
AND? The fact that I am rationalizing and agonizing over hitting "publish" for a post on a blog - which is, arguably, supposed to be about me and what I am thinking/feeling.....well, that just shows you the depth of my insanity. Hmmm, am now thinking, I should just probably stop typing....I feel like the more I say, the crazier I sound. Anyway, thank you for listening! xo