June 29, 2011

Ignore, please. Just pass on by. Don't read. It's just a rant.

I've been going through a super organization-craze at work lately.  Couldn't figure out what lead me to start one project that then blossomed into a HUGE, ARE YOU CRAZY FOR EVER STARTING THIS project!  I figure when it's finally done, at least life at work will be easier.

But on the drive home, I realized....ever since Hubby lost his job I've put EVERYTHING on hold at the house.  I've quit making lists, quit organizing, quit planning for the next project and, at this point, almost quit hoping and dreaming...the reality is that nothing has been done (outside of the basics) since "that" day.

Apparently, my mind couldn't take this idleness anymore and decided to "nest" at work instead.

The reality is, at this point - despite my moaning about going, I'd much rather be at work (sans the people and the phones) than at home.  It's easier.  And if I could just get rid of the people and the phones, it would be quieter.

At work, there is no pressure.  I know why I'm there and what I should be doing.

At home?  Not so much.  At home there are subtle pressures.  Don't talk about this, tiptoe around that, is that REALLY a necessary purchase?  Should we do this or that?  Is it time for an oil change AGAIN?  Do you think we could wait for a couple more thousand miles?

I know I shouldn't be complaining because there are folks in much more dire straits than we are; people who are dealing with losses much bigger.

But, as we ease into the fourteenth month of unemployment, despair is beginning to seep in - I'm finding it harder and harder to look for the silver lining.  And then I think....if I'm feeling like this - what must HE be feeling?

And then, I start to notice that Man-Child is beginning to freak out over *every little thing* and my heart breaks.  Because he shouldn't be having to worry about the things he is worrying about.

We've tried hard to walk a fine line - preaching economics while not worrying him - apparently, we failed.

According to all reports I've read - North Carolina is lagging when it comes to the "Recovery" (which is a joke - I've seen no signs of a REAL recovery) and that if we were to just up and move Hubby could find something "lickety-split" (yeah, right).  The thing is, even IF he could find something somewhere else - would it be at a salary that would warrant me leaving my job?  No.  I am lucky.  I know I am.  I work for a great company with great benefits.  To leave this job would be suicide.  Can I find Hubby a job at my company?  No.  Against policy to have spouses working here - even if they are in two different locations that never coincide with one another.

Besides, Man-Child is starting his Senior year.  Really?  It would be HUGELY detrimental to pull him out of his school now.

So no, moving, at this point, is not an option.

The point of all this?  There isn't one.  I just needed an outlet.  Usually, I try to stay away from the doom and gloom, but today?  Today, I needed to vent.

And a ray of sunshine - if you have that, feel free to comment.  I need something to brighten my day.  As an alternative, if you happen to know the lottery numbers for tonight......feel free to share.


As a footnote - when I started this blog, it was an experiment.  A way to just get all of "it" out of my system.  As blogs will do, it found people.  And as people came, I found that I began to censor myself even more than when I was starting out - even though this is an anonymous blog. Why?  Because I began to get to know you all - I began to see the issues that some of you face - many of which are FAR bigger than mine.  And then?  Then, I began to feel selfish if I whined or complained too much. So, for tonight, let me whine and complain. No comments are necessary.  I know that for the majority of you, your thoughts and prayers are with us - I just really, really needed to get these thoughts out somehow....


AND?  The fact that I am rationalizing and agonizing over hitting "publish" for a post on a blog - which is, arguably, supposed to be about me and what I am thinking/feeling.....well, that just shows you the depth of my insanity.  Hmmm, am now thinking, I should just probably stop typing....I feel like the more I say, the crazier I sound.  Anyway, thank you for listening! xo

15 comments:

  1. Hey Girl, I wish I had the right words I don't, but I heard the phrase "this is just a moment in time" and it will pass. I hope it passes quickly and the prefect job shows up for your husband. xoxo

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  2. All those things, like, others have it so much worse, I should feel lucky, things could be worse... don't give you a feeling of release, the way putting it out there does. Sometimes, just giving it a voice, helps. Feel free to speak out!

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  3. Gigi, I will share with you what a dear friend said to me when I was complaining to her of my crappy day while her husband was dying of brain cancer:

    Don't feel bad unloading your stress. Just because I have problems doesn't mean your problems aren't important. They are important to YOU and you are my friend and YOU are important to me.

    Ditto. Unload it, sister.

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  4. Gigi, I hear you! We all have our difficult times and they are sometimes REALLY tough. This is one of those times for your family. While I was reading it, I wondered if it's true that he might be able to find work elsewhere. If that is possible, maybe you could have a temporary separation if he found a position. Not ideal, I know, but it's a thought.

    I find myself censoring because I know how hard it is to put it all out there, but your online community of friends, which I am proud to be a part of, is glad you feel okay about unloading some of your stress. Sending you lots of virtual hugs...

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  5. I wish I had some words of advice or something, but I don't. I can tell you, though, that I'm incredibly glad to have found your blog.

    We're in Nevada - a state that pretty much tops the charts in home foreclosures and unemployment. We've been so lucky so far, but it's looking more and more like unemployment might loom in our future. I've started freaking out a little to be honest.

    It's so nice to be able to read about what someone else is going through, and to know that I'm not alone. I know I'm not making you feel any better, but maybe it will help you to know that you're making me feel better.

    I hope things get better for you soon.

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  6. At times we all feel like giving up; at times we all just want to bury our heads and hope all of our problems will go away.

    They never do!

    To solve our problems we have to face them. Part of that is the initial rant of acceptance.

    Putting it down on paper, or in this case your blog, is an excellent way of unloading some of the pressure that has built up.

    I wish I could tell you how to go forward and solve all your problems and alleviate your fears, but I can't.

    All I can suggest is that you continue to use your blog as your venting point. Let your fear or anger out here rather than in the home or work place.

    Good luck!

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  7. Well Gigi, if you can't bitch and moan on your own blog, then where can you do it?! Bitch away my dear, bitch away.

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  8. first time commenting on your blog; I'm glad you shared these thoughts on your blog because I have similar thoughts, though my husband has not been employed a mere five months and he chose to leave his nicely paid but stressed job to take over one of his parents homes that he will eventually inherit, they are in assisted living. We moved 70 miles to do so and the commute would have been very hard. He was hoping to teach guitar as he is very talented with that but the students he thought he would have by now haven't materialized so to speak. It is frustrating since I didn't want to move in the first place and we are dealing with lots of clutter, etc at this house. Long story that I won't bore you with since it is your blog, LOL. But I did want to say I totally understand and it is a good thing to get it out on paper somewhere because it does wear you out. We skirt issues too here to talk about, sometimes I think there are lots of elephants walking around our house, we see them, just don't want to acknowledge them yet.

    And I know he has got to wonder if this was the best decision he's ever made (I agreed but certainly voiced my opinion that I didn't want to do this).

    So I just trust God. I prayed hard enough about it.

    And we are in California. Very poor recovery here.

    I feel for you. Especially with your son entering his senior year. Its an exciting year but an expensive year.

    vent if you must, it is good to get it off your chest so to speak!

    betty

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  9. Hey Sweet Thing. You have every right to feel the way you do and I am so glad you took the time to express it here. Of course you are worried about it all--who wouldn't be? As you know, I have a boy about that age and of course you want to protect him while also letting him know what is happening.

    Never apologize for writing about real and honest emotions. That's what we are here for.

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  10. Better out than in, I always say. (Me and Shrek, that is.) Your blog is the perfect place to vent. I'm thinking about creating a new blog just for that reason. I could never use my current one because my family and friends read it.
    I hope your hubby finds a good job real soon.

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  11. So you said no comments, so guess what we'll all ignore you! Which is why we are here becuase its what you need.
    In same position as you but so what - one day a job will come and he will be happy and all will be well! (keep saying it, it will happen!!)
    Love

    BNM

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  12. Awww girlfriend, I know what you mean about censoring yourself. So many other people have it so much worse I feel like a big baby when I complain. BUT, complaining to my bloggy friends lets me get everything out which saves my daughter a little because after I vent I'm less stressed so vent away, and we will keep right on supporting you.

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  13. love love love sent from me to you, xxx

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  14. Just remember it's your blog so you can "fuss" all you want!!

    I'm not going through what you are but my older daughter's live in hasn't been able to find a job since he left the army(got hurt in boot camp) and then graduated from college. It's scary!!

    Wonder what's going on in NC ...I feel like I'm tiptoeing around too.
    Can't seem to get my husband to do anything. It's driving me crazy!!!

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  15. Hey Princess -- this is a wondrous place to spit and rant and rave. It has to serve a purpose for you as well as for the readers.

    The pressures on you two are enormous and both of you are coping pretty well. We both know things will turn around and get better...it does take some time though.

    Hugs and warmest wishes...and it is fine to let loose.

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I generally respond to comments via email...if your blog/id is not tied to your email, I will attempt to respond here...but I would strongly suggest that you make your email available if you want to continue the conversation.

Unfortunately, for some reason people with Yahoo emails are receiving bounce-backs. Your comment will be published but I won't be notified; but I will respond once I realize you've left a comment.