Because, obviously, we aren't talking about observations about my office - because at my office everyone is perfect and they all get along just fine. No, these are observations that I'm sure any other employee, in a different office environment, might happen to observe on a daily basis.
So even though this post is written in first person, it isn't about me and my life at the office at all! No. It is about poor Jane Doe, who isn't quite as lucky as I am...
Because things in my office are just fine.
So without further ado, here are some of Jane Doe's recent observations....
The coffee maker...if these morons can't figure out how to make a pot of coffee, I fear that I may soon go postal. Seriously.
It's not like they have to make coffee the old fashioned way; what with measuring out the coffee and adding the requisite amount of water. No. Now all that is required is ripping open a packet, pouring it into the filter and hitting the "brew" button. THAT'S IT! It takes all of 20-40 seconds (depending upon your speed and ripping ability. And yes, I HAVE timed it...multiple times).
But yet Every.Single.Freaking.Morning I find myself making (and setting up for the next one; in a vain attempt to "guilt" someone else into making a fresh pot) a pot of coffee with every cup I pour; since Every.Single.Freaking.Time I go to get a cup, EVERY damn pot has less than an inch left.
I'm torn between whether I should make an instructional video and email it to everyone on the floor or just stick a post it note to the coffee maker saying "I've made 24 pots of coffee today! How many have YOU made?"
I am also seriously considering contacting HR to ask them to change my title to Coffee Making Queen and demanding a SUBSTANTIAL raise.
And upon reflection - maybe, just maybe, I should consider reducing my caffeine intake...maybe. Nah, that'll never happen.
Then there are the "non-responders." I despise these people with a white hot passion.
There I am, doing my damnedest to do my job (in between making a bunch of coffee, that mainly I don't get to partake in) when suddenly it dawns on me....I have to deal with one of "THEM." I need to schedule a meeting between three folks - it should be a quick task. But because I need to deal with one of "THEM" I know, in my heart of hearts, that it would be easier to schedule a conference call that includes forty participants in all corners of the globe; in fifteen different time zones; while juggling six monkeys and making fifty pots of coffee, all while standing on my head.
So I contact this person's assistant, who assures me, repeatedly, that his calendar is free on that particular day at that particular time. So with trembling fingers, I send out the meeting invitation. Within seconds, one - and then two - people accept the invitation immediately. And then, I wait.
Three days go by before I get a response from that particular individual - whom, I might add, is infamous around the office for sending an email and then racing to the recipient to say "Did you get my email?" before the email can actually arrive - only to realize that he has declined the invitation!
To make matters worse, this individual has not only declined the invitation but has also neglected to give a reason why or suggest a better time.
I bite my tongue to keep from cursing out loud. Instead, I immediately craft a response asking when would be a better time. Obviously, since this person has JUST declined the invitation they are willing to respond quickly....right? No.
I finally receive a response NEARLY EIGHT HOURS LATER! What in the holy hell has kept this person SO busy that they couldn't respond with a quick reply? The answer? Nothing. Because I witnessed this person wandering about the office freely all damn day. It took everything in me to keep from launching my stapler directly at his head.
And the response? Oh it's classic. It gives me two alternative dates with no preferred times. When questioning his assistant, she informs me that, although his calendar was clear...up until today, when he decided, on a whim, to take a vacation day....without informing her... and I believe her without question; because he is evil like that.
I have decided that not only is this person dead to me, he is also guilty of not making the coffee of which he partakes of often - mainly while roaming about the office asking "Did you get my email?" I may have to poison him with the next pot of coffee I make...and if it happens to take out a few of the others? Oh well, I'm sure they were guilty of not making coffee too.
But the kicker? Oh, you are going to love this....
Our company has decided to put together a group to look at improving "communication" within the company.
This particular group has "leaders" and regular team members and they are all supposed to be working on some kind of plan to improve communication.
The other day, one of the team members came to me, looking for a "leader." After I informed her that he was in a meeting, she proceed to tell me that she had no idea what was going on in the Communication Group. That she hadn't heard from any of the "leaders" in over a week and that they were due to report next week.
It was all I could do to keep from laughing in her face. Because her "leaders?" Bless them, they are a nice bunch, but they happen to be the worst offenders, in my opinion, in the area of "communication."
Somehow, I think, this whole effort - the coffee, the scheduling, and the communication - it's all a lost cause. Because come next Monday? It's going to be a repeat.
And so it goes...life at the office - but not my office. Because at my office it's all good. Promise.
Poor Jane Doe.