Torture and self-doubt. Surely, I'm not the only one?

“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often”  --Mark Twain

 
Is it just me that seems to have a problem speaking up about certain things?

I often think, particularly in a work environment, that how well I do my job should speak for itself.  And that, when opportunities arise, that my work ethic (which is AWESOME, if I do say so myself) should stand alone.


This is, unfortunately, never the case.  When opportunities arise – I have to fight my natural inclination to sit back and see what happens.  I have to force myself to speak on my own behalf.

In the time leading up to me actually saying something – I will worry myself sick.  This has, at least so far in my life, been an exercise in futility as usually, my outstanding (if I do say so myself) work ethic coupled with my speaking up works in my favor; far better than sitting back to see what happens ever does.


I mentioned some time back that my favorite colleague would be retiring this month.  What is to become of her position has been up in the air and cause for MUCH speculation (some of the rumors actually had me laughing out loud - they were that far fetched).


While technically not a promotion – it really kind of is – at least in perception.  Which, when posted on your resume looks pretty darn good – even if not reflected in the paycheck.


Considering that I have seniority and that fabulous work ethic – I assumed that I would be asked to fill her shoes.  And I was – kind of.  But never directly.  (Yeah – that’s the way the Big Guy works sometimes)


And then, things kind of spiraled into crazy-land (which seems to be the norm around here - because really?  What is the point of actually saying what you mean?)


Finally, I spoke up.  Kind of.  


I ended up emailing the Big Guy – only because unexpectedly he wasn’t here today and I knew I had to get this topic out in the open before I take off next Wednesday for the rest of the year (and yeah, I breathed a sigh of relief - because I'm a chicken and it's easier to email than go face to face sometimes). 


I mean – this really needs to be resolved ASAP - otherwise who knows what kind of insanity I will return to on the 3rd?


To say I worked myself into a state before hitting the send button is an understatement of epic proportions.  But, I finally screwed up my courage and hit send on the email.


To my utter relief (and to be honest – surprise) he emailed me back immediately saying that we will talk on Monday and that he was very open to my suggestion.


Now?  Now, I can breathe.  At least until Monday.


My question is this - why do I make it so hard on myself?  It really shouldn't be that hard to say, "Hey, this is what I think should happen and here is why" and then whatever happens, happens.  But I will have said my piece.


Am I the only one who puts myself through this kind of torture and self-doubt?


Upon reflection though - I realize I do this about EVERYTHING.  Even this blog.  Do you know how long I debated with myself about posting this?  *sigh*  One of these days, I might grow up.  But I doubt it.