September 2, 2010

Where do you draw the line?

My dear, dear friend has been in the midst of a separation.  For her - it's not a trial; at least that's what she says - but her actions are another thing.  To her husband - it's just until she regains her senses and lets him come back home.

I believe I've mentioned them before.  They are both very dear friends and we love them to death.  Actually, they are more family than they are friends.

Despite this - there is no way in hell that I could have ever been married to this man.  In fact, we all used to joke about it.  How if Gigi and Mr. X were married that only one would make it out alive after one day.  And just where would Gigi dump the body?  We would laugh and laugh.  Mainly, because we all knew it was true.

My dear friend, Mrs. X has put up with a lot through the years.  I can understand.  She loves/loved him.  She has borne his three children.

But there has to be a limit.  Right?  There has to be a point where enough is enough.

And apparently, she has finally hit that point.

Well, to be fair, there have been several times during the past 8 months that I thought she had hit that point to where she was ready to move forward and completely sever the relationship and call it quits - only to be surprised.  I have been here for her and trying to help without actually saying anything too negative about her husband.  Because we all know how that can explode on you should they actually get back together and because, all in all, he's not a bad guy (even though, in my opinion, he is a horrible husband and life partner).  But at the same time, I'd try to gently make her realize the things she needed to do for her and the children - legally.

I realize that divorce is not something that should be taken easily but in this instance, I really felt it was best for her and the children.  I also realize that the only person who could make this decision is my friend.  And I also know, that she is a "waffle-r."  Whereas I am (usually) one who makes up her mind and then it is done.  But I also realize that calling it quits to 17 years (or more) of marriage isn't an easy one.  So, I've just been pretty much here for her and listening to her go back and forth.

Until last night.  When she called me and she was unbelievably angry (which is so unlike her).  And after what I heard - I was unbelievably angry as well.

Apparently, they've had a very informal (nothing in writing, etc) that he would pay "these" bills and she would pay "those."  And she, the gentle soul that she is, trusted that he was doing as he said he would.  (Why, I'll never know - I would never trust this man to handle financial issues....)  Apparently, something came up and she called the bank whereupon she discovered, completely by accident, that, in addition to whatever other issue she was having, the house was about to be put in foreclosure because he hadn't been paying the mortgage.  She had no idea.  She was totally floored.

Somehow she scrounged up the money and took cash to the bank and was able to stave off the foreclosure - for now.  She couldn't believe that he had lied to her about something of this magnitude.  Apparently, he had even gone so far as to collect the mail from the house, signed and hid a letter from the bank informing them of the impending foreclosure.  All without saying a word.  Acting like all was right with the world, while behind her back he was pulling the rug out from under her feet.

Needless to say, she was livid.  The thought that he could try and hide something like this; the fact that he'd let the bank foreclose on the house where his children live.  His reasoning, when confronted, was that they can't "really take the house for at least a year."

Apparently, this was my friend's limit.  Today she contacted an attorney.  She plans to get things in place, legally, to protect her and the children.  I really hopes she goes through with it - particularly since he is "claiming" that he is going out of the country to work (again, I don't buy it - but if he does go she needs to have some legal protection in place).

Because this, in my mind, is one of the ultimate betrayals.  Your family - YOUR CHILDREN - are counting on you and rather than "man up" and admit that you are in a bind you hide it? We all have hard times financially.  It happens.  You do what you have to do to take care of your family.  You don't hide it.  If you have to sell and move - you do so.  You don't hide it like a naughty child and hope no one ever finds out.  How did he plan on explaining it to those three kids when "they" did come to take their home away?

She has begged me not to say anything to Hubby for various reasons that I can understand.  So for the moment, I've not said a word (which is killing me).  But I have to tell you - although Mr. X can be a great guy - I have completely lost any and all respect for him - because anyone who can be so cavalier with his family?  Yeah, they aren't so great after all.


  1. I'm going to tell him what you said about him...

  2. Where do you "draw the line"??? the sand???

  3. Heard this story so many times. If she is serious, she better get things in writing legally. He probably doesn't think she will go through with it, but as soon as the reality hits, she won't get a dime out of him til the court makes him pay up. Anger and revenge always prevails, even over your own kids most times. Divorce sucks no matter what.

    Best of luck to her and her children.

  4. I hate being the friend of that girl. I had one who just went through something similar. Made me feel crappy and helpless.
    Best of luck.

  5. You could be trying to have the most amicable divorce in the world but as soon as money and who gets what starts you find it gets a lot less amicable.

  6. This is totally heartbreaking. And yes, she should get it in writing and start divorce proceedings immediately if she is truly serious. How tough it must be for you to know all this and keep it to yourself. Of course, he could always read your blog and the cat would definitely be out of the bag...

  7. Men are utter shits at times, your poor friend, his behaviour is unbelieveable! Sounds like your friend is now doing the right thing.

  8. wow, thats too bad for your friend. I hope this is "over the line" for her,and that she gets things taken care of. How would you ever trust this man again? She will be much MUCH better off without him.

  9. I have a few different friends having issues right now with their marriage. The worse is a good friend whose husband emotionally and mentally abuses her and he threw something at her general direction. I told her it would only be a matter of time before he stopped throwing things NEAR her and starting throwing them AT her. Fortunately, she left. It's hard. You want to just shake them and tell them to smarten up and stay away but ultimately (and unfortunately), they have to make the decision to stay gone themselves. Makes me SO happy to have Derek.

  10. Many times Gigi's ramblings isn't a ramble at all -- but a strong look at the way things are. Yes, your dear friend must protect herself. As far as her husband...his true colors have shown through and must be dealt with decisively.

  11. Honey, it sucks. There's no getting around it. I believe that when people go through divorce, you see the absolute worst side of them.

    This guy is obviously hellbent on punishing her and he's putting the kids' needs on the back burner. Great dad, right?? You'd be surprised how many men will forgo their children's feelings/comfort/respect in favor of hurting the wife and squirreling away some green for his "single life".

    You're in a tough spot...I don't envy you that.

  12. It's so hard not to share things with your husband!! Unless it is my very best friend then I share everything with mine. Sounds like you are being a great friend!!