It's not you; it's me (or why I haven't been around much lately)

I am sad.  I am sick.  I am angry.  I am devastated. I am frustrated.  I am low.  I am unhappy.  I am despondent.  I am disgusted.  I am bitchy.  I am furious.  I am hollow.  I am hopeless.  I am.......

I could go ON and ON with the descriptions of how I am feeling - because really, at the moment I am a roiling mass of them.  And not one of those descriptors would include the word "Pollyanna-ish."

Suffice it to say, I am NOT in a good place right now.  Which may or may not be why I haven't been posting (okay, it IS the reason I haven't been posting).

I know that life is not fair.  I KNOW this.  But that doesn't stop me from lamenting about it- because it's NOT.  This has been going on for almost TWO YEARS now; approximately one year and six months longer than I EVER thought possible.  I ask you, what have we done to deserve this particular fresh brand of hell?

I am fed up with the situation.  I am fed up with being stagnant.  I am fed up with worry and stress.  I am fed up with the effects of worry and stress that I see in the mirror every day.  I am fed up with wondering if we will have to eventually resort to cat food and whether or not Hubby can actually make it appetizing.  I am fed up with thoughts of Man-Child having to give up college before he even gets there.  I am fed up with having no forward movement at all - not even a one step forward, three back kind of movement.  I am fed up with having nothing to look forward to.

And, most importantly, I am fed up with having no hope.

Because, yes folks, that is where I'm at right now.  Completely and utterly devoid of even a flicker of hope.  And seriously, what do we have if there is no hope?  Nothing.

And what really, really has me in knots is that I can't lay the blame at Hubby's feet and say, "This is YOUR fault; fix it."  Because, despite me really, really wanting to lay the blame somewhere, it's NOT his fault and he IS trying to fix it.  He's trying his damnedest....without any luck.  And knowing that, just where do I pour out all that anger, sorrow and resentment?  Nowhere.  I swallow it.

And I stew in silence.  Crying in the car, in the bathroom at work, in the bathtub while the water is running, into my pillow as I try to drift off to sleep.  And he wonders just what in the hell is wrong with me now.

I figure by next week, he will be convinced that I've completely lost it and will call in the special "reinforcements".....i.e., the men in the white coats.

I cried yesterday when I read that another local company is laying off 685 people.  While I am upset that these people have lost their jobs; the reality is that I cry because that means that now there are 685 more people vying for those almost mythical, rarely sighted job postings that MY husband is trying to get - bitchy and mean, right?  I'm sorry.  I can't help it.  He's been out of work for almost two years; whereas they've been out of work for a day.  At this point, I am selfish and I don't care.

I realize that it might be that special week wherein each and every feeling is magnified by one thousand and ten - but even so, I feel pretty bleak....and truthfully, the feeling has been there for a while it's just that now it's been magnified by (you guessed it) one thousand and ten.

I know that tomorrow may bring a fresh perspective (or it may not - currently, I'm leaning toward the "may not" side; because that's just how it goes when you have no hope) and things will look better.

But now?  Now, it looks pretty dark from where I am sitting


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I wasn't going to post this.  This was just going to be one of those "dump it all out there and delete it" occasions.  But then I read, Lisa's blog today, Spaghetti Westerner.  And realized that dammit, she's right.  I've been holding back.  From you.  From my family.  From my friends.  You know, the very same people who want to lift me up and help me through my moments of crises.  So here you go.  It's all Lisa's fault.  And while you are blaming her, take a moment to go give her a hug....she needs a few.

DEEP breath aaaaannnnnd Publish!