February 20, 2010

D-I-V-O-R-C-E (anyone remember that song? that's the only note of levity in this post...)

So, here's the deal.

We've known this couple for about 11 years or so.  We are friends.

I love her - she loves me.  The hubbies - they are best buds.

Perfect; right?  'Cause, really?  How often does that work out - that couples love each other?  Not often.  Usually the stars have to be aligned just right and for us - they were.

Now, I have known from the get go - that I could I never be married to this man.  He's a great guy.  He's fabulous, etc.  But, as my hubby?  No.  One of us would end up being maimed (or even dead in the backyard) - and it wouldn't be me (lucky, lucky him - right?!).

For the past - oh six or seven years - I've seen this coming.  And now, finally, I think it's here.

She was over here today - with her suitcase.  She's done.  We talked.  She told me it's over. I told her she was welcome.  In the end, she went home - she's concerned about the whole "abandoning the house/kids" issue.  I don't blame her.  (Although, between you and me?  I don't think he knows about that....she totally could have skated on that one!)

My advice for her is sparse - I simply do not have experience in this arena.  I've told her in no uncertain terms (several times) - that she needs to do what is best for her and the children.  I've told her that I will support her no matter what.

My heart is heavy.  I love them all.  But, right now?  It's the children I'm most concerned about.  I made that perfectly clear.  I know that there is nasty arguing going on.  I know that those children have been witness to it.  I know that those children are not happy.  I know that she isn't happy.  I know that, despite his bravado, that he is not happy.  At this point - I think they are toxic for each other.

But those children?  That is what breaks my heart the most.  Because I can look at those kids and see what all this has done to them.  I told her today - that if, they do end up divorcing, that the children would be fine.  Why?  Because the arguing (which can get really ugly - I know I've witnessed it on an occasion or two) would be done.  I know - I remember how my parents were.  And when it was finally done?  It was a relief.

I can't even begin to imagine the position she is in right now.  But - again, between you and me? She needs to send him packing.  Those children deserve soooo much more than they are getting right now.  SHE deserves so much more than he is giving her.  And truly?  He deserves so much more.  But as things stand right now - they are all slowly killing each other.

And it is breaking our hearts to be watching this from the outside.


  1. I'm so sorry for your friend! As someone who is happily divorced (but we didn't have kids), sometimes it really is the best thing for both individuals.

  2. I was talking the to hubs about this last night. We argue. Loudly at times but we do not cuss or name call...still the kids know when we are upset with one another. I hope your friend makes the best decision for all involved. Marriage is not easy.

  3. Eyegirl - yes, sometimes it is the best thing. When children are involved....it gets complicated; but still - at this point? I think it would be best.

    Kristi - arguing is one thing. Hubby and I have been known to have an argument or two. But the name calling? The absolute - I-must-hurt-you-with-the nastiest-words I can! arguments? Unacceptable. Children need to know that grown-ups can disagree and still love each other - but when it reaches that point? Enough is enough.

  4. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I can tell you, I was RELIEVED when they did. Kids know when things aren't right and people who "stay together for the kids" are full of crap. If you're miserable, the whole family is going to be miserable.

  5. This is so sad. And YES, I do recognize you ... so you are probably aware that for the past few weeks, I've been writing about how to strengthen a marriage. Tonight, was the grand finale in that service and WOW.

    I'll be writing about it soon (probably tomorrow or Monday), but here are a couple points I'll share:

    Marriage Myth #1

    1) The grass is always greener on the other side.

    Marriage Truth #1

    1) The grass is always greener where YOU water it.

    Marriage Myth #2

    2) Love is a lot of work.

    Marriage Truth #2

    2) Staying in love is a lot of work.

    My parents divorced when I was eight and to this day, I still carry the scars around, as do both of my parents and all six of my siblings. Although I once thought that divorce was the best thing for my parents and family - now I know that I was wrong. Divorce is TERRIBLY painful and although I don't think people should stay in an unhealthy relationship, I do think that people should do whatever it takes to make their relationship healthy.

    I don't want to drive traffic to my blog, but I hope that you would suggest to your friend that she go and read some of the posts that I wrote. They're under the "Soul Food" label and there's always the chance they might help her and her husband as they are going through this difficult time.

    Who knows why people are attracted to the people that they are? Who really can understand why people are attracted to polar opposites of themselves have chemistry? But they do - it's there - it's why they fell in love and got married and brought children in to the world, together.

    So I really hope that your friend and her husband are able to get back to the root of their love and water it, until it blooms and grows, once again. I'm sure if they can get through this rough patch in a positive way, they'll be stronger then ever before. And especially seeing as they have children - all of the hard work will be well worth it.

  6. The trouble with separating is it takes one or both people of the marriage a while, often quite a while, to realize that trying is not going to make it work and that ending the marriage is the only logical step. It is a really big step and often the damage done in the interim can never be repaired.

    Nicola http://simpledivorceadvice.com

  7. hey found you from mrs. lovely's blog.

    i obviously know nothing about the situation, but you should watch the move Fire Proof and see if you think that would help them out.

  8. As someone right in the eye of that storm, I send heaps of empathy to you and your friend.

    My separation was like throwing a pebble into water, I was amazed how far the ripples went, it felt like there was no one unaffected by it.

  9. So sorry Gigi all I can say is life as you know it will never be the same, but you just have to be there when you can and not let it affect you and you life too much x

  10. ugh. I feel the same way about my sister and her husband. They are separated, and he's a piece of cr@p, but really- he deserves more too. It stinks. And you're right, the kids will be OK, hopefully if the parents can manage to be civil. Good luck to her, and good for you to be a friend.

  11. That is sad. :(

    My next door neighbors are yellers. They call each other every nasty name in the book at the top of their lungs. They do their damndest to yell the most hurtful things you could ever imagine. For hours. Not only does it affect them and their children it affects me next door. After several cussing spiteful evil yelling argument hours later it feel like it is in your house too. It makes us edgy and prone to snapping at each other for no reason. It sucks bad.

  12. It is so sad when the kids are caught in the middle, I was one of those kids too, and you're right... once the parents decide to stop the fighting, by whatever means, it is a relief for them.

    I hope the best for your friends, and whatever they decide, they do it with civility towards each other and love for their kids.

  13. i've been there! with my suitcase and my kids at my friends house. the only thing you can do is be a shoulder and an ear. eventually she'll get to the end of the high dive, take a deep breath and jump. and she'll need you to be there, waiting in the water!

  14. I have heard good things about that movie!! I hope this couple with get some type of help...maybe it's not to late to save there marriage. What ever happen with the other girl?

  15. Heavy thoughts; never easy. YOu can only be there to offer a shoulder.

  16. Oh...this is always so sad to hear...and yet, of course, not uncommon.

    Yet, it's always the kids that suffer from seeing 2 people they love...no longer loving each other.

    It's hard...and there are no easy answers. All you can do is lovingly support her...what else can you do?